When Certainty Gets in the Way of Curiosity

One of the biggest surprises in coaching is how often leadership challenges aren't really about strategy. They're about conversations. Conversations we avoid. Conversations that only become possible if we slow down. Conversations where our nervous system begins creating stories long before we've become curious. 

I've noticed this in myself. In fact, when I share a long history with someone, that's often when I'm least curious. Instead, I become certain. Certain I know what they're thinking. Certain I can predict what they'll say next. Certain I understand their intentions before they've even spoken. 

From there, it's easy to move into a kind of preemptive defense—reacting to the story I've created rather than the conversation that's actually unfolding. 

A recent coaching conversation reminded me of this tendency and led me back to a framework that has shaped my thinking for years: Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. 

What I appreciate most about this work is that it invites us to pause long enough to notice what's happening beneath our reactions—our emotions, our unmet needs, and the stories our minds so quickly construct. That pause allows space to explore what’s going on under the surface. When we understand the emotions and needs underneath the behavior, we create the possibility to improve the quality and depth of relationships.  

The book is filled with great content and is rather dense, so here’s a high-level recap with the intent that you can read this and put this framework to use.  

From Reaction to Connection 

Communication challenges rarely begin with our words—they begin with what is happening beneath them. 

When we're stressed, hurt, frustrated, or overwhelmed, it's easy to react from assumptions, judgments, or defensiveness. Nonviolent Communication (NVC) offers a different approach: pause, get curious, and communicate from what is most true rather than what is most reactive. 

At its core, NVC is built on one powerful idea: 

Every behavior is an attempt to meet a need. 

This applies to you and to the people around you. 

When we recognize the needs beneath our emotions, we move from blame to understanding and from reaction to intentional response. 

The Four-Step Reflection 

1. Observe What Happened 

Separate facts from interpretations. 

Ask yourself: 

• What actually happened? 

• What would a video camera have recorded? 

• What assumptions or stories am I adding? 

Instead of: 

"They completely dismissed my idea." 

Try: 

"While I was speaking, two people began discussing another topic before I finished." 

The goal isn't to minimize your experience—it's to begin with clarity. 

2. Notice Your Feelings 

Emotions provide valuable information. 

Ask: 

• What am I feeling right now? 

Examples include: 

• Frustrated 

• Disappointed 

• Anxious 

• Hopeful 

• Hurt 

• Grateful 

• Overwhelmed 

• Excited 

Remember: 

Feelings are different from interpretations. 

Instead of: 

"I feel ignored." 

Consider: 

"I feel disappointed." 

3. Identify the Need Beneath the Feeling 

Feelings point us toward what matters. 

Ask: 

"What need or value is asking for my attention?" 

Some common human needs include: 

• Respect 

• Trust 

• Connection 

• Autonomy 

• Clarity 

• Reliability 

• Support 

• Belonging 

• Growth 

• Contribution 

• Rest 

• Understanding 

• Safety 

For example: 

If I'm feeling...‍ ‍I may be longing for... 

Frustrated  Progress or clarity 

Anxious  Safety or certainty 

Disappointed  Reliability or follow-through 

Angry  Respect or fairness 

Lonely  Connection 

Overwhelmed  Support or space 

Our needs are rarely the problem. 

Conflict usually arises because people have different strategies for meeting important needs. 

4. Make a Clear Request 

Once you've identified what matters, ask yourself: 

"What would move this situation forward?" 

Effective requests are: 

• Specific 

• Actionable 

• Respectful 

• Present-focused 

Examples: 

• "Would you be willing to give me feedback before the meeting?" 

• "Could we schedule 20 minutes to discuss this?" 

• "Would you let me finish my thought before responding?" 

A request creates an opportunity for collaboration. 

A demand removes choice. 

Healthy communication leaves room for both people to be heard. 

A Different Way to View Conflict 

When someone criticizes, withdraws, interrupts, or becomes defensive, it's easy to assume bad intentions. 

NVC invites a different question: 

"What need might this person be trying to meet?" 

You may not know the answer, but asking the question shifts you from judgment to curiosity. 

Curiosity doesn't require agreement. 

It simply creates space for understanding. 

Reflection Questions 

The next time you find yourself emotionally activated, pause and reflect: 

What happened? (Stick to observable facts.) 

What am I feeling? (Name the emotion.) 

What need or value is important to me right now? (What matters underneath the emotion?) 

What story am I telling myself? (Is there another possible interpretation?) 

What might be important to the other person?(Can I become curious about their experience?) 

What is one clear request I could make? (What would support a productive conversation?) 

Bringing This Into Your Leadership 

Strong leaders don't avoid difficult conversations. 

They develop the capacity to stay grounded during them. 

By slowing down, noticing what's happening internally, and communicating from your values, you create space for more curiosity rather than judgement. This creates the conditions for stronger relationships, better collaboration, and more thoughtful decision-making. 

I still don't get this right all the time. There are moments when I feel myself armoring up because I’m writing the other person's script before they've had a chance to speak. 

But this framework keeps reminding me that the goal isn't to be certain. The goal is to stay curious long enough for a real conversation to unfold.